There’s no way this is healthy…
Since January, I have lost 25% of my total body weight. Yes, you read that right. Twenty-five percent. I know for certain that I have lost 25% of my body weight because for the past few years I have been keeping a meticulous spreadsheet of my weight, which I update usually at least once a week. I used to log in my weight every Tuesday morning like clockwork and update the spreadsheet daily with my workout details as well (distance run or exercise class attended in a given day, etc). Now I only update it with my weight sporadically, and my workout routine has fallen by the wayside for the past few months mainly because of health issues.
(Yes, I know that keeping a detailed spreadsheet of my weight is probably not healthy either).
I currently weigh less than I did in high school, even as a freshman, and I am almost embarrassed about the size of pants I had to buy this weekend. I don’t think I ever wore this size of pants even at 12 years old. None of my old clothes fit, even the shirts. I have almost nothing to wear now. Everything I own fits me like clown clothes. I did the math, and if I lose 7 to 11 more lbs, I will officially be underweight according to BMI estimates. Hurrah! (Said with sarcasm).
Long story short, I have been dramatically dropping weight over the past 9 months and everyone has noticed. Some people make comments, some people don’t… but everyone has noticed. There is no way for people NOT to notice, unless they’re blind. It even shows on my face. I got carded today and the woman told me that my license picture doesn’t even look like me. Yep, that’s what losing 25% of your body weight will do.
Here’s the thing… I have not been trying to lose weight. At all, really. I got skinny because I have been really sick this year.
So now I apparently look all hot (or at least way more attractive than “fatty Kathy”) because I conform better to society’s beauty standards. I’m getting complimented all the time, and all the while feeling like crap. This happened to me all summer especially when I was dropping the pounds at a dramatic rate (and when I felt the most terrible physically). People would complement me on how good and thin I looked (“OMG you lost weight! You look great!”) and while it stroked my ego, I also felt absolutely awful. The first few times I responded with some sort of mumbled change of subject, but after that I gave up and started saying thank you just to end the conversation, all the while feeling like a horrible vain hypocritical terrible person.
I don’t feel bad physically every day anymore (though I don’t feel fantastic either), and I’ve stopped dropping weight. I’ve held steady at this same weight for about 2 months now (that’s why I thought it was time to finally buy some new clothes in a size that actually fits). Now I think I’m beginning the road to recovery physically, for the most part.
But now I’m stuck in the beauty trap. Now that I’m thinner than I’ve ever been in my entire adult or teenage life, I actually kind of like it, despite loathing myself for enjoying it at the same time. It makes me absolutely disgusted with myself for even buying into this BS. I didn’t even TRY to get this way and the only reason I’m so bony now is partially because I allowed myself to be malnourished! It’s more complicated than that (don’t worry, I don’t have an eating disorder), but I did go a few weeks without eating very much at all a while back. This is not the kind of beauty ideal we should ascribe to! Is thin really the be all end all of beauty? (Please don’t say yes!)
I hate that I’ve been sick all year, but even more I hate that I have enjoyed being thin because of it. It’s disgusting and I condemn myself for it. It is wrong and I feel like I have betrayed all women. Why can’t we embrace our physical differences instead of trying to live up to an unattainable beauty “ideal”? I am obviously guilty of falling into the same trap, and I feel terrible for it. I’m sure I will never break free of it, but the best I can hope for right now is to be self-aware when I am being vain.
Will I intentionally try to pack on the pounds now? No, though I might do so if I start dropping any more weight. Will I try to eat more regularly now, and more healthily? Yes, even though it will be difficult because this year has all but killed my appetite (which was a big reason for the weight loss in the first place). If that brings on a bit of weight gain, so be it. And if it does, I’ll try not to cry.
Evolution of Beauty
Check out the Health at Every Size movement. Guess what? Fat does not necessarily = unhealthy! You can be fat AND healthy! It just involves eating intuitively and being physically active for pleasure.
October 14, 2009 at 11:06 am
This paragraph really resonated with me:
While I’m still fat by most any standard, and probably will always be fat, I’ve lost 30 pounds over the last year and a half, due simply to the fact that I started running regularly. I’d been very much into the HAES/body acceptance stuff for awhile already. I was definitely not trying to lose weight. I don’t believe in diets. I liked running. That was it. I never even weighed myself, so when the comments began: “How much weight have you lost?” etc., I had no idea how to even respond. I just knew that I’d gone down a couple dress sizes.
And are the comments ever the worst. I hate when people tell me how “good I’m looking,” 1) because it implies that I didn’t look good before, which I think I did, thank you very much, and 2) because my body is no one else’s business. How rude and presumptive is it to comment on someone else’s weight loss, weight gain, etc.? I know these folks mean well, but it pisses me off.
Even worse, though, is when I occasionally feel a little twinge of pride about it. Even though I realize the inherent absurdity…losing (or gaining) weight says nothing about your character, or even about your attractiveness. (Well, maybe to some people weight is an indicator of character and attractiveness, but those are people I don’t want in my life.) So when you have that weak moment where a comment makes you feel good, you do feel awful at the same time. I get that. I feel like I have a glaring “Bad Feminist!!” sign over my head. But in our defense, the degree of socialization we’ve undergone as women in this society…way back when we first started playing with Barbies, watching Disney princesses, and listening to our moms complain about their weight…well, it’s a constant, uphill battle to shake that all off.
Maybe the best we can do, like you said, is just to remain aware of what bullshit it all is, and keep trying every day to shake it all off. And if you’re not already reading Shapely Prose on a regular basis, I hope you start. It’s my refuge from the insanity.
October 14, 2009 at 8:40 pm
As someone who has been around much longer than you gals, we need to get past this. The old wives, maids, and moms that came before me had no shame about commenting on people’s weight, mine or anyone elses. I honestly think much of it was economic. Have you ever watched MAD MEN? The world was like that and worse for most of history.
It really is about health. I know that people who carry more weight can be healthy but let someone carry too much around for too long and it will cause health problems. I have enough joint issues to know that had I carried too much weight for too many years my mobility would be compromised by now.
There is nothing wrong with feeling proud of yourself for running and making yourself strong and healthy. Go buy some smaller pants and if you feel guilty, forgive yourself and move on. If someone compliments you, say thanks, shake it off, and know they are a product of our society…just like you are. Hey, maybe you are a little more evolved. Then make sure the next generation stays that way!
October 14, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Agreed that the main point to take away is to make sure the next generation does not treat women in a way that is shameless about commenting on their bodies. We have certainly come a long way. However, there is still a long way to go.
Yes, carrying around too much weight certainly can cause health problems, but being fat/overweight/etc most certainly does not always equal unhealthy in every circumstance. There are extremely “overweight” marathon runners who are in way better shape physically than I will ever be. Then there is always the issue of the subjectivity of just exactly how much is “too much” weight? It is a very fine line.
My gripe here was mainly with our culture’s disgusting beauty ideal, and with the presumption of others that I was necessarily trying to lose weight and that I naturally wanted to be complimented because of my weight loss “accomplishment.” What if my dramatic weight loss had been the result of my being a terminal cancer patient? What if I had actually been dying? Would it still have been ok for them to comment on my body then? People were giving me these “compliments” at the same time I was actually experiencing physical pain.
I just think that maybe we should seriously reassess the beauty ideal that thin = beautiful (especially when that beauty ideal is dangerously thin, as it most certainly is in our culture… see below) and that if a woman is losing weight it necessarily means all of the following: a.) she is doing so on purpose, b.) she is therefore more beautiful, and c.) she wants to hear your opinion on her body…
Because, as we all know, in our society, women’s bodies are public property for public display. We are clearly here for the amusement of society and all its members – both male and female.
I’ve been following this story regarding a Ralph Lauren ad for the past 2 weeks or so from the time the disgustingly photoshopped image was very first posted on the internet. Others may be familiar with it as well because the buzz surrounding it has been all over the web for the past few days. You can read about the entire story here. Anyway, the latest news is that Ralph Lauren actually fired the 5’10″ 120 lb model featured in the ad for being overweight (at least that is what she claimed on the Today show this morning). So that is the danger of trying to live up to the extreme thinness beauty ideal. Models who are underweight by ANY gauge of healthy body type are fired for being too fat.
October 18, 2009 at 7:31 am
[...] that sounds almost apologetic, it’s because we have a tendency to make it so: Long story short, I have been dramatically dropping weight over the past 9 months and everyone [...]
April 6, 2010 at 3:28 pm
You could always play the theological card… your body is God’s temple so you’re exercising/eating healthily for those, nobler, reasons, rather than the narcissistic ones