On Pretentiousness and Elitism

There is a writer whose blog I occasionally read who writes in the most pretentious style imaginable. I’m not sure if this person only expects PhD candidates to be able to decipher her writing, or if she just believes herself to be so self-important that this is how she really talks. The writing sounds like something out of a freaking Woody Allen movie. I can usually only make it through a few sentences of each blog post, regardless of how fascinating I find the subject, before I start to feel nauseous from the elitism inherent in the writing style.

My blog is titled Suburban Kitsch. I am currently a suburbanite. Kitsch means lowbrow, tacky, tawdry, or appealing to popular or undiscriminating taste. I try to avoid elitist-style pretentiousness in my writing. Sometimes I succeed in that effort at way too far a degree. For example, I actually have to try really hard to keep my bathroom humor in check, especially on my twitter account (tee hee).

The shirt below is an example of kitsch at its absolute finest. For some reason I own it. I think a distant relative may have given it to us unbeknownst to me.

Kitsch at its finest!

Kitsch at its finest!

One day I was digging through my “sleep shirt” drawer and lo-and-behold, this treasure presented itself to me! I had no idea it existed in our house! I proudly put it on and ran around the house loudly singing “Freedom Isn’t Free” from the Team America: World Police soundtrack, and then I may have transitioned into Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (Angry American)” – i.e. the “boot in your ass” song.

Jared immediately pointed out my hypocrisy. “Your blog is called Suburban Kitsch. I thought you were supposed to be against elitism. You are embodying the very thing you are supposed to be against.”

Ouch. Buzzkill.

So then, what is elitism? What constitutes pretentiousness in writing or speech? Surely they are real things. I have observed personally those in the “educated classes” looking down upon those they deem to be inferior and ignorant… I can read plain indignation in the writing on their blogs. Even their writing seethes with judgment and an air of superiority. I observe it at parties. You would think we would have grown past the “cool kid” phenomenon now that we’re adults. But no, the judging of others has simply moved to the intellectual elite who feel they are more fashionable, hip, and educated than those yokel rednecks… regardless of political persuasion.

Personally, I always have to keep myself in check that I do not become like this. It is so easy for me to fall back on my education, my knowledge of news and culture, my one puny trip to Europe, or what I think are my enlightened views, and then use all this to therefore judge so many others. But those people I am judging know SO MUCH MORE than me about many realms of knowledge that I am completely ignorant about. My knowledge is not infallible, and I’m almost never the smartest person in the room. I’m no cooler than anyone else. In fact, I actually use the word “word!” as an exclamation of happiness, so that probably makes me the lamest person on the planet. Basically, I try to never let myself feel too self-important. This is VERY difficult.

I have an ongoing conversation with my husband about what particular words carry the most pretentious connotations when used in regular conversation. Jared feels that the word “fabulous” is extremely pretentious and should never be used by anyone unless they are actually on the TV show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He also thinks that the word “atrocious” is about as pretentious as you can get, unless it is referring to a literal atrocity. For my part, I believe that in everyday conversation (at least in mixed company with non-PhD candidates), one should never use words that would be more at home in an academic journal article… for example “onerous,” “obfuscation,” or “pejorative.” In my opinion, using words like those in everyday conversation is just showy and pretentious to the extreme (not that I haven’t ever done it).

How about you? What words do you think have pretentious connotations? Do you care at all about elitism? Do you ever feel like you’re being judged by “intellectual elites,” or are you one yourself? Do you think there was something wrong with my parading around in said shirt while singing a Toby Keith song? (and just in case you didn’t catch it before – I was being a huge smartass while doing so).

And P.S. Freedom costs a buck-o-five.

Vanity and Guilt, Part II

I should start off by saying that I am absolutely terrible at using the art of subtlety to convey sarcasm in my writing. And when I say terrible, I mean TERRIBLE. Frequently when I write a blog post, email, or essay, I will go back and read what I wrote later or have someone else read it, and it becomes evident that I have not at all successfully conveyed the original point that sounded so profound in my head.

In the last post I spent a few paragraphs detailing how much weight I’ve lost over the past 8 months or so. I talked about how all my clothes fit me like clown clothes now, and I griped about the presumptive compliments I’ve been getting. In my head, I was truly not gloating. The weight loss was not a blessing. It sucked. I have been really sick this year. The majority of that last post, including the paragraphs talking about the weight loss, were really just one big bitch-fest about how much it sucked to lose that much weight so fast.

I felt like crap for most of the year, I wish people would not have congratulated me on my weight loss, and I felt guilty when I even dared to feel a shred of pride for being skinny because getting skinny sucked. That is the point I intended to convey in my writing.

Instead, I think I inadvertently wrote a bitterly ironic post titled “Vanity and Guilt” wherein I came off sounding like a vain (ha!) conceited bitch who now spends all her time staring in the mirror at her super-hot bod. Please know that was NOT the message I intended to convey while I was writing the post. Now I’m experiencing the guilt part all over again because everyone who read that original post probably thinks I’m a complete narcissist now.

I never claimed to be the best communicator in the world. Unfortunately I’m a bit rough around the edges and it shows in my writing. Reader beware.

Vanity and Guilt

There’s no way this is healthy…

Since January, I have lost 25% of my total body weight. Yes, you read that right. Twenty-five percent. I know for certain that I have lost 25% of my body weight because for the past few years I have been keeping a meticulous spreadsheet of my weight, which I update usually at least once a week. I used to log in my weight every Tuesday morning like clockwork and update the spreadsheet daily with my workout details as well (distance run or exercise class attended in a given day, etc). Now I only update it with my weight sporadically, and my workout routine has fallen by the wayside for the past few months mainly because of health issues.

(Yes, I know that keeping a detailed spreadsheet of my weight is probably not healthy either).

I currently weigh less than I did in high school, even as a freshman, and I am almost embarrassed about the size of pants I had to buy this weekend. I don’t think I ever wore this size of pants even at 12 years old. None of my old clothes fit, even the shirts. I have almost nothing to wear now. Everything I own fits me like clown clothes. I did the math, and if I lose 7 to 11 more lbs, I will officially be underweight according to BMI estimates. Hurrah! (Said with sarcasm).

Long story short, I have been dramatically dropping weight over the past 9 months and everyone has noticed. Some people make comments, some people don’t… but everyone has noticed. There is no way for people NOT to notice, unless they’re blind. It even shows on my face. I got carded today and the woman told me that my license picture doesn’t even look like me. Yep, that’s what losing 25% of your body weight will do.

Here’s the thing… I have not been trying to lose weight. At all, really. I got skinny because I have been really sick this year.

So now I apparently look all hot (or at least way more attractive than “fatty Kathy”) because I conform better to society’s beauty standards. I’m getting complimented all the time, and all the while feeling like crap. This happened to me all summer especially when I was dropping the pounds at a dramatic rate (and when I felt the most terrible physically). People would complement me on how good and thin I looked (“OMG you lost weight! You look great!”) and while it stroked my ego, I also felt absolutely awful. The first few times I responded with some sort of mumbled change of subject, but after that I gave up and started saying thank you just to end the conversation, all the while feeling like a horrible vain hypocritical terrible person.

I don’t feel bad physically every day anymore (though I don’t feel fantastic either), and I’ve stopped dropping weight. I’ve held steady at this same weight for about 2 months now (that’s why I thought it was time to finally buy some new clothes in a size that actually fits). Now I think I’m beginning the road to recovery physically, for the most part.

But now I’m stuck in the beauty trap. Now that I’m thinner than I’ve ever been in my entire adult or teenage life, I actually kind of like it, despite loathing myself for enjoying it at the same time. It makes me absolutely disgusted with myself for even buying into this BS. I didn’t even TRY to get this way and the only reason I’m so bony now is partially because I allowed myself to be malnourished! It’s more complicated than that (don’t worry, I don’t have an eating disorder), but I did go a few weeks without eating very much at all a while back. This is not the kind of beauty ideal we should ascribe to! Is thin really the be all end all of beauty? (Please don’t say yes!)

I hate that I’ve been sick all year, but even more I hate that I have enjoyed being thin because of it. It’s disgusting and I condemn myself for it. It is wrong and I feel like I have betrayed all women. Why can’t we embrace our physical differences instead of trying to live up to an unattainable beauty “ideal”? I am obviously guilty of falling into the same trap, and I feel terrible for it. I’m sure I will never break free of it, but the best I can hope for right now is to be self-aware when I am being vain.

Will I intentionally try to pack on the pounds now? No, though I might do so if I start dropping any more weight. Will I try to eat more regularly now, and more healthily? Yes, even though it will be difficult because this year has all but killed my appetite (which was a big reason for the weight loss in the first place). If that brings on a bit of weight gain, so be it. And if it does, I’ll try not to cry.

Evolution of Beauty

Evolution of Beauty

Check out the Health at Every Size movement. Guess what? Fat does not necessarily = unhealthy! You can be fat AND healthy! It just involves eating intuitively and being physically active for pleasure.

Christian Nihilism

If I were not a Christian I would be a nihilist, and I regularly have to keep my natural tendency toward existential nihilism in check. There is a reason Ecclesiastes is my favorite book. It is the most hopeless and nihilistic book in all of scripture. Despite my optimistic, idealistic, and altruistic nature, I thrive on hopelessness and despair.

If you do a quick inventory of my favorite movies (Dogville, Match Point, City of God, 28 Days Later, the Last Kiss, etc), you will see that they are ones in which there is no redemption and where people treat each other callously and without any remorse for the harm they inflict. They often get away completely guilt-free with murder. I would also personally act this way toward others if I truly embraced nihilism, as I am inclined to do – and I know there is real malevolent evil in my heart. That is why those films resonate so personally with me.

In a world completely devoid of any true or ultimate justice, this is truly the way things are. There is no reason at all for a rational person to not act consistently in a manner of complete and total selfishness, even to the point of murder and mean-spirited deception even for entertainment’s sake, so long as it maximizes one’s own rational self-interest. If a person can kill their mistress without getting caught and live with the guilt for the rest of their life because her death will ultimately bring them a far more pleasurable life in the long run (as happens in the plot of one of the films I mentioned above), this is completely morally acceptable. There is NO reason at ALL to condemn this action in the absence of moral values and ultimate justice.

Likewise, in the absence of any moral values or ultimate justice, there is no grounding upon which to condemn infant rape, instrumental rape during war with machetes, brutal female circumcision, animal mutilation and abuse, the torturing and murder of homosexuals going on right now in the middle east and still in our country, generations of racism and violence, or any other heinous and violent act that we consider to be a violation of justice. There is no grounding at all upon which to cry “FOUL!” The best we can do is to say that we just don’t like these acts, but we can never condemn them as truly wrong, because the very concept of ultimate, objective wrong does not even exist.

No humans will ever agree on exactly what actions should be defined as “right” and “wrong” in a moral sense – that has been culturally, religiously, and sociologically dependent even person by person for as long as humans have lived in society together. Even in a marriage no two people are ever going to completely agree on every moral and ethical issue. But if we can’t even agree that the concept of objective, transcendent moral values actually exist (meaning outside of our own collective human consciousness – in other words, outside of our own heads), then we’re really screwed.

I’m not arguing that we should go put up the 10 Commandments at any Capitol buildings. That’s just stupid. My point is much more philosophical and is far broader than any issue that encompasses any religion.

I would be a nihilist if were not a Christian and if I did not believe that objective moral values exist external to the human mind. I do not pass judgment at all on anyone else who believes otherwise, but if I did not believe what I do, I would personally lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and live my life to fully maximize my own rational self-interest (in other words, completely selfishly). Yes, I might even murder if I thought it would benefit me in some way – and I highly doubt that I would feel a shred of guilt about it. The “guilt gene” seems to have skipped a generation with me. That is why I absolutely love this Aldous Huxley quote (and I also adore Brave New World, incidentally):

I had motives for not wanting the world to have a meaning; and consequently assumed that it had none, and was able without any difficulty to find satisfying reasons for this assumption. The philosopher who finds no meaning in the world is not concerned exclusively with a problem in pure metaphysics. He is also concerned to prove that there is no valid reason why he personally should not do as he wants to do. For myself, as no doubt for most of my friends, the philosophy of meaninglessness was essentially an instrument of liberation from a certain system of morality. We objected to the morality because it interfered with our sexual freedom. The supporters of this system claimed that it embodied the meaning–the Christian meaning, they insisted–of the world. There was one admirably simple method of confuting these people and justifying ourselves in our erotic revolt: we would deny that the world had any meaning whatever.”
[Aldous Huxley, Ends and Means, 1937]

Huxley admits that he had reasons (namely his unrestrained sexual freedom) for believing that the world has no meaning. It seems that the Christians are not the only ones who start from a conclusion and then work backward to their premises. They just happen to get accused of it far more often. Hmmm…

The reason I am a Christian is not merely because I am convinced that objective moral values do exist, but also because of what I find to be an encyclopedic body of evidence in support of the basic claims of the faith‡, and because of the absolute lack of coherence and rationality I find in all alternate worldviews that I have explored. I was a sincere agnostic/atheist from about the time I was around 10 yrs old, through my entire teenage years, and into the beginning of my adult life. Not to mention that the horrors of the flipside of the ‘problem of evil’ are almost too much for me to handle. All of this hit me as a 14 year old atheist when I was writing death poetry in my own blood about how we will all ultimately be turned to dust, with no hope and no redemption.

The ‘problem of evil’ in this world is simply not a problem for me and it never was. However, the problem of no ultimate justice for the Holocaust is a HUGE problem for me, and it’s a huge problem for atheists as well. I guess their only answer is, “it sucks to be Jews.” At least believers in some semblance of a justice-fulfilled afterlife have a kind of response.

Additionally, personal experience is not at all why I believe (especially since it all happened after my conversion), but there have been some very odd coincidences in my life since summer 2001 when I officially “converted” or whatever you want to call it. Yes, granted, it is entirely possible that they are all just coincidences, but the statistical improbability of some of the things that have happened (on specific dates, etc) has been very strange.

Anyway, to sum it all up, I’m a Christian who struggles with nihilism. I still struggle with the evil in my own heart and mind and with the idea that I should care about anything in the world at all. Also I know that I am personally capable of truly heinous acts. People are NOT basically good. That statement is complete and total bullshit. I love the MGMT song Time To Pretend because it is sublimely true. The band has managed to write the ultimate anthem to nihilism. Here are the lyrics. Enjoy.

I’m feeling rough, I’m feeling raw, I’m in the prime of my life.
Let’s make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I’ll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We’ve got the vision, now let’s have some fun.
Yeah, it’s overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We’re fated to pretend
To pretend
We’re fated to pretend
To pretend

I’ll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms.
I’ll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world.
I’ll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home.
Yeah, I’ll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

But there’s really nothing, nothing we can do.
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we’ll get a divorce.
We’ll find some more models, everything must run its course.

We’ll choke on our vomit and that will be the end.
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We’re fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah

_____________________________________

‡ Note that I said BASIC claims of the faith – if you get to know me you will find that I will only try to defend solidly 2 or 3 main issues. The rest of the doctrinal concerns are entirely debatable as far as I’m concerned. I’ll just be over here trying to feed the poor, care for the sick, and fight for those who don’t have a voice. Even if I’m doing a bad job at it, which I admit that I am most of the time.

Depths of Humility

So guess what? Our contractor and his meth-addict friends did not steal my inherited diamond ring. Jared had multiple heated accusatory conversations with the guy, we filed a police report on him, I spent half a day driving to all pawn shops within a 30-mile radius, and it turns out that we just hadn’t looked hard enough at home.

Ouch.

I feel terrible. I falsely accused someone of something they clearly did not do.

We owe him a HUGE apology, which we are definitely going to give him. We are also going to revise the police report to let them know that we found the missing ring and he has since returned the other items he stole (Like a gas can. A GAS CAN. Really. How stupid of a thing is that to steal?) About that…

The fact remains that the contractor did indeed steal other items of low value out of our garage (which, when confronted, he confessed and ultimately did return them), and he also left shady people with criminal records (including records of burglary) alone at our house for extended periods of time with access to the inside of our house. He also did a crappy job on the work we hired him to do (because he showed up high), and he said some pretty messed up and unintelligible things on the phone to Jared and in person to both of us during the few weeks he was doing work at our house.

Long story short: please follow the advice I gave in the post below about what steps to take to protect yourself BEFORE hiring a contractor. This story has a somewhat happy ending, and I came out of the whole thing feeling like a complete a$$hole, but we still did get screwed over and had to go through an ordeal. I’m happy my ring wasn’t stolen, but I don’t ever want to hire a meth-addict for a contractor again.

I do, however, have a great deal of grace for the guy. Ultimately, I feel really bad for him and a part of me wants to reach out and help him, but considering what has happened with our particular situation recently I don’t think it’s possible for Jared and I to be the ones to do it. It must be extremely difficult to try to stay clean after years of drug offense felonies on your criminal record. The poor guy probably can’t even get a job at McDonald’s. What other kind of work is he going to be able to do now but to mow lawns and paint houses? This is a real life example of the tension of justice vs. mercy in my mind and in my life. It will never be ultimately resolved.

I still feel like a terrible person, though. I want to say I’m sorry 1000 times. This is what humility and personal growth feels like.

Hook, Line, and Sinker… again?

I thought I was over this silliness. I thought I had grown up. I took a break from these stupid online “debates” for about a month, and now I’ve just allowed myself to fall back in to the same pattern and get sucked right back in… even to the tune of being “de-friended” on facebook yet again. Seriously.

I consider myself to be a reasonable person who is capable of having logical and rational discussions without resulting to personal ad-hominem attacks. I try to adhere to this principle as much as possible in all discussions I have online and in person. Apparently, other people are not so agreeable to try to keep conversations at such a level. Therefore when I checked back to a particularly contentious discussion board after a few hours in the middle of a conversation tonight, I found that I had been de-friended without even an explanation as to why. How very mature of that person.

Again, I do admit that in the past I have crossed the line MANY times by making smart-assed, rude, and condescending remarks when I have shot off my mouth without thinking. My behavior in the past has been wrong, and many people deserve apologies for the things I have said. However, I don’t believe that this has been the case at all in the past few weeks and days. Recently, I have been intentionally trying to be much more thoughtful about the way I approach conversations with others that I may not agree with. This was the case with the person who recently de-friended me. I honestly have no idea what I did to offend this person. My entire dialogue with them was perfectly civil and I did not attack them personally in any way at all. I even complimented one of the points they made!

The good news out of all of this is that now I have one less troll to deal with posting snarky and rude comments on my page! I do realize that people (who I personally know somewhat in real life) are probably talking about me and making fun of me behind my behind my back right now… but it’s ok with me. A few months ago I probably would have been crying over it, but I have bigger fish to fry right now.

I have the gift of (over)confidence, but I lack the gift of eloquence and tact. I have the gift of boldness, but I lack the gift of thick-skin and calm-headedness. I have no problem standing up in front of an audience to speak, but no one wants to listen to what I have to say because my thoughts are a jumbled mess and I have a tendency to offend people. Then when people bite back because I offend them, I get my feelings hurt (though usually just a little bit – mostly I just get really angry and it makes me want to lash out further and cause them pain).

In summary, right now I would make a terrible politician, even though I think that could possibly be what I am gifted to do. I just have a very long way to go. I guess I’m glad 30 is the new 20 and my whole life is still ahead of me. Personal growth, here I come…

It’s called empathy and basic human comapssion

Widely published status update on facebook and twitter yesterday:

No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the next 24 hours.

Now, the question of whether we should change the current health care system in the U.S. or or how to do so is a completely separate issue from the statement made in the first sentence of the quotation above. Therefore, in my humble opinion, anyone who would disagree with the basic premise of the statement above is pretty much a worthless person completely devoid of all human compassion.

The United Nations has declared health care to be a basic human right (Article 25), as has the United Methodist Church in their Social Principles (¶162.V). We can disagree civilly on how to achieve the ends to the goal of minimal standards of health care for all citizens… but who in good faith can still call themselves a decent human being and yet have the audacity to disagree with the statement that no one should die because they can’t afford health care? I mean really. REALLY? It is well documented that people (yes, even young people) do in fact still die the United States all the time because they cannot afford costly health care procedures. Paying for health care is still the #1 reason for bankruptcies in this country. I have personally been nickel and dimed by insurance companies and I personally know several individuals with their own insurance horror stories. Something’s gotta give.

So back to my original point on basic human compassion… here are a few alternative status updates I also had the misfortune of seeing on facebook and twitter yesterday:

This person thinks no one should [...] post this as your status for the rest of the day

Some people don’t deserve health care, and some people deserve to be broke.

President Obama is using the same tactics as Adolf Hitler. He is trying to pervert the youth of America with his socialistic ideals. Health care is NOT a right. Even our founding fathers knew better than to ty [sic] this. What is wrong with people in this country?

What was even worse than these updates were the comments that followed underneath them. Many of the comments were along he lines of “I hate poor people” and “LOL OMG I SO agree.”

Many of these people dare to call themselves Christians. What happened to feeding the poor and caring for the sick? If anyone in the world is going to know that I’m a Christian, I would rather they know me as someone who takes the gospel message to mean caring for the least of these – working toward social justice and meeting people’s physical needs in this world. Following Christ is not just about praying a prayer and then merely going off to judge others’ immoral lifestyles and condemn things that shouldn’t be done. What about working to change the world for the better? Feeding the poor? Caring for the sick?

Personally, I know that I haven’t spoken up enough to correct the wrongs when I see them being perpetuated. And that’s because I know that when I do speak up I can tend to be a bit of a jackass (ok, so I have been a complete and total sarcastic and condescending jackass. I shoot my mouth off with snarky comments and I have not yet mastered the delicate art of tact.) I know this is a huge personal weakness and I am working on it slowly day by day. It is wrong and I need to change.

Fortunately, my husband has been my biggest inspiration and mentor. He is able to confront people firmly but with tact, logic, and reason, and without resorting to sarcasm and intentional condescension. He would make a fantastic college professor and/or attorney (which are coincidentally the two fields he is pursuing graduate degrees in currently!) Right now I just get angry and I want to be mean for meanness’ sake. Yes, I have pure motives and the good of the world and individuals at heart, but in the heat of the moment I often just shoot off my mouth. And for that I am truly sorry.

What is boils down to is this: We can disagree intensely on how to reach certain political goals. That is to be expected. However, I would like to think that people will hold empathy and compassion first and foremost  in all political conversations from here on out. The recent discourse of the past few months, as evidenced in comments like the ones above, has certainly not been shaping up that way.

Beauty is Only Pixel-Deep

No duh, it happens a lot (read: ALL THE TIME) in magazines, media, etc. I’ve pasted just a few links to examples at the bottom of this note, the Jessica Alba photo being the most disturbing. People – women and men both – just need to be aware of how common photoshopping/airbrushing is in all media we consume… I said ALL the media we consume. In print media, that pretty much means ALL OF IT. EVERY PHOTO. It is the norm, not the exception. Real women (real PEOPLE, actually, since it’s done to men almost as frequently), don’t actually look like that.

I have seen in the flesh, and personally know, some BEAUTIFUL, absolutely stunning women, but no one really looks like the pictures in magazines, not even the most gorgeous girl with the best hair and makeup artist in the world. It’s redundant I know, but I think this same message needs to be repeated again and again and again and again… THE WOMEN YOU SEE IN MAGAZINES ARE NOT REAL. They do not really look like that. This is ESPECIALLY prevalent in pornography.

Now, I am really really good at using photoshop. So here’s a confession… I am a hypocrite. I manually edit the red-eye (on everyone, not just me) out of every single picture I take right after I download them to my computer. At this same time, I go through each and every picture one at a time and edit out all blemishes/zits on myself, and any big and obvious blemishes on other people in the pics (but sometimes only if I really like said person). I usually also equalize my own skin tone if I’m blotchy and step down the facial shine a bit if I was having an oily day. Now, the kicker… I have, a few times, also blurred out wrinkles on my own face. I’m 29 years old and I’m photoshopping out my wrinkles. Even more terrible, I have, on a few very rare occasions (maybe on 4 or 5 pics ever), thinned myself down in photoshop. ***OOOH!*** ***SCANDAL!*** No, I’m not showing you which pics. Have fun figuring it out. Honestly, the reason I haven’t done it more than a few times is that I’m not that good at photoshop yet so I only do it on the pics that it’s easy to do on.

On my current profile pic, I can confirm for you that the only edit I made was to get rid of a zit or two. No blurring wrinkles, no evened out blotchiness, no toned down shine, no slimming myself down on that one, I promise.

So… there you have it. I want to raise awareness of the phony nature of beauty in print media, yet I am guilty of the same sin and have a gigantic plank in my own eye… and I don’t intend to change. However, maybe one day when I’m feeling really self-confident I’ll post before and after pics of the same picture of myself in photoshop. Or maybe I’ll just sell my services to you conceited people … did that come out right? I meant sell my services as in photoshopping, not… oh… you know what I mean.

If there’s one thing you take away from my soapbox speech, let it be this: those women that you masturbate to in magazines aren’t real. They don’t exist.

***cue “the more you know” theme***

I really like this article. It’s long, but worth a read… guess what? Even Dove’s ‘Real’ women campaign photos were airbrushed and fake: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/12/080512fa_fact_collins?currentPage=all

Jessica Alba skeletored down: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/fashion-that-makes-us-sad-jessica-albas-perfect-body-airbrushed-to-something-skinnier-325704/

Madonna: http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009/03/27/before-and-after-photoshop-is-madonnas-best-frenemy/

Kim Kardashian: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/kim-kardashian-is-photoshops-latest-victim-436681/

We never change, do we?

I spent way too many hours on myspace tonight looking at the profiles of dozens of people I knew from high school and from the past 10 years. Over and over I was struck by how much no one has changed… and I emphasize that very strongly. It’s really weird. Apparently I’m the only person I know who has changed significantly since I was 15, and I am extremely glad for it. I am SO glad I am not the same person I was at 15, 18, even at 21.

I am more comfortable with who I am now than I ever have been. By that I mean I am far more mature and a much less awkward person now than ever before. My interests have drastically changed, my personality has mellowed out significantly, and now I actually care about other people instead of only giving lip service to caring (even though I still have a long way to go in that arena). I have gone through phases of fake caring and contrived passion even recently, which I am still mildly embarrassed for. I’m sure I do things on a regular basis now that I will be embarassed for even in a year… and I’m glad for that. I’m glad for maturity.

It seems like so many people I know reject the idea of “maturity” as some lame social convention. I did. When I was 15 I wrote these lyrics and belted them out in front of literally tens of people:

(Verse)
My dad says dress nice don’t tie your shoes
Cover that hickey and wash your hair
But I’m having fun anyway
And I don’t give a f—ing care

(Chorus)
But I don’t care
And it’s alright with me
Cause I enjoy myself
F— what’s right socially

(You can see how cool I was by inserting expletives to add emphasis to my point).

I think at the time I was reacting against something real that was and is messed up in society and in my personal life, I was just doing it in an extremely childish way. Thank God that blogs and myspace didn’t exist back then, because my immature teenage musings would be forever saved in some archive on the internet. I am glad for how far I’ve come, and I don’t ever want to go back to where I was.

The lyrics I posted above were from a song I wrote called “content” (content as in contentment… not as in the contents of my purse). The challenge for my life now is to not become content with myself at any point. I should always be content with what I have or posess, but never with who I am. I don’t mean physically, I mean mentally and spiritually. I know I am not “basically good”, as so many postmoderns would have me believe. I have seen into the depths of my own heart, and what is there is not “basically good”.

Now I’ve gone into totally different territory, when my main point was about change. I’m glad I’ve changed. Change is a good thing. I’m amazed that so many other people I know have not changed at all, even in 10 years. Read Who Moved My Cheese? It’s good stuff.

Why are we here?

On this past Thanksgiving 2005, my husband and I had to go to not one… not two… but three Thanksgiving family get-togethers, all in the same day. The first of these (bright and early in the morning) included his mom, his two sisters, a brother in law, a soon-to-be brother in law, and a baby nephew. We didn’t find out until we had already got to the gathering that one of the sisters had invited one of her friends and her three kids, two boys and a girl, all between the ages of 4 and 9. That was fine because we had a ridiculous amount of food, and she apparently had no one to spend Thanksgiving with. But with us not used to being around kids, it made for some interesting conversation.

After spending about 30 minutes wrestling on the floor with the two boys (read: being viciously attacked, smacked, tackled, and hit by the two boys), Jared decided that enough was enough and sat down on the couch with me and the girl, age 9. The conversation between him, her, and I turned to her interests, what subjects she liked in school, and what kind of books she liked to read. Eventually she asked him, “What kind of stuff are you interested in?”

Jared told her, “Oh, I guess mostly philosophy and theology and stuff like that.”

Her, “What’s philosophy?”

Jared turned to me and asked in a low voice with a nervous laugh, “How do you tell a kid what philosophy is?” He answered her, “I guess it’s about asking the important questions like ‘Why are we here?’”

She looked genuinely puzzled. She kind of gave Jared a “you’re an idiot” look and then explained to him, “Well, we’re here because it’s Thanksgiving.” The inflection in her voice just about punctuated the sentence with, “duh!”

I am just like her.

So why are we here? I’m here right now because I can’t sleep tonight and my mind is racing with a billion thoughts and stupid nervousness. I’m here because between my husband’s and my 8-5 jobs we can afford a modest little house in Norman. I’m here because I was born into a family in a part of the world where I have the leisure time and the money to plink away pointlessly on a computer, or go back to my Stephen King guilty pleasure instead if I so choose.

There are so many brilliant people who tackle the real “Why are we here?” questions, I feel small and insignificant compared to them. I feel like all I can offer is simple, childlike, non-complex answers, and I feel guilty for not even caring to go deeper most of the time. Occasionally I will have an intellectual reawakening… and now is not one of those times. I feel as unintellectual now as I have ever felt, even with that piece of paper called a college degree in my posession. Right now I feel like “Why are we here?” really can be answered with a practical, easy answer. It’s the Dubya in me.

Now here’s another one of my favorite things:
(I am a very simple girl)

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